alexanderovechkin8jr

Chapter 1

?WHAT?!? Cad screeched, dragging her feet to an abrupt stop on her swing.

?It?s true.? I sighed. ?My own father, who's supposed to be a freakin' genius,was FIRED! I was telling my best friend, Cad Shern, about how MY dad, computer genius, was attempting to ruin my life. YOUR dad? why was he fired? Cad asked in bewilderment. He ran an experiment that crashed WLC's whole system. I answered matter of factly.Uh oh. Well I guess that's a good reason, Cad shrugged. Then she saw my wincing face. There's more?

?Yeah,? I groaned. ?It also means Alt and I expelled from WLC school.Are you serious? You guys didn't do anything! Cad cried.But the school is only for kids whose parents work for WLC. So we're just, like kicked out. I sighed. We were quiet for a few moments. Cad is smart, she's probably realizing what has to happen when you're kicked out of the only school in Monthill, Minnesota, and you're dad is jobless. I shloshed my toes around in the puddles around my bare feet, waiting for her to process the thought. The water calmed and I caught my reflection. Stringy redish brown hair, a gazillion freckles, and huge, worried blue eyes stared up at me. I looked away. Cad finally looked up. She was biting her nails. Where are you moving? She asked. Told you she was smart. No idea. Just really soon. All of the adults are real angry with him. His stupid experiment with the ichat erased information on seven different computers. Borrowed computers. They want us to leave town and never come back. I shivered.

?What was so important that he erased? Cad refused to believe me with out an argument. I don't even no! I don't even no what this stupid company does or what it even stands for. I cried. Sorry. Cad began to swing slowly again. You could hardly even her nails now. Her name, Cad, stands for Control, Alt, Delete. That what you have to do when your computer freezes, on a PC. I know, some people in this company are pretty plugged in. Including my dad. I mean, he named his children after keys on a computer keyboard. Shift and Alt.

?You?ve got to stop doing that, Caddy.? I gestured toward her nails. ?They?ll bleed.? I added. But we both know she wouldn?t care. Her phone beeped. She glanced at the text. Her eyebrows wrinkled.

?Well I better go. Dinner?s ready.? She called as she sloshed away. ?Bye, Shift.? And she was gone. I sank down on the swing, defeated. Because I had seen what the text message really said.



Chapter 2

?We?re moving. I found a new job in New York City. Won?t that be exciting?? My dad made the announcement at dinner one night.

?No.? I muttered. I was not surprised. I overheard him telling Mom last night.

?What?? Alt whimpered. ?Can?t I stay? I can move in with Digit. Or Archie! Pretty please?? She whined.

?Alt, don?t be dumb, no on wants us here.? I slumped in my chair and closely watched my dad. He did not object, just looked down and swirled his potatoes around in the ketchup.

?Shift! That?s not true! We have lots of wonderful friends who will stand by us. A mistake is a mistake! No one is perfect, and...?

I tuned out the mom speech. When she was satisfied, I just nodded and apologized. I excused myself and went up to my room. I sat down at the big computer desk and stared at my unfinished homework. My essay on Microsoft?s monopoly would have been due today. I checked my email. None. I haven?t gotten an email in nearly a week. I signed into a chat room. It was Cad, Delete, Mac, and Qwerty. They all left when they saw my name. Except Cad.

yay4yellow: Hi

control.alt.delete.45: hey

yay4yellow: want to go to the park?

control.alt.delete.45: actually i have to go do geometry homework now. bye

yay4yellow: ok. bye.

control.alt.delete.45 has signed off.



So even my best friend was ditching me. Or had been told to ditch me. I knew a lot of the parents were probably telling their kids to stay away from my family. I laid down on my bed and stared up at the posters advertising the new computer my dad had been working on. I stood up and ripped them down, crumbling them into a giant ball and tried to slam dunk them into the can. I missed. Just then my mom walked in.

?Shift? I have a question for you.? Mom said, sitting down on my bed. She didn?t wait for me to answer.

?Where did you get the idea that we weren?t wanted here?? She asked, looking concerned. I buried my face in my pillow.

?I do not want to talk about it.? I grunted.

?Come on.?

?No.?

?Shift!? She seemed angry. I gave in.

?FINE! Cad?s father told her to stay away from me. He said, if you?re with that Wilbur?s girl, get away from her. He said our family was destructive!? I began to cry. I never cry. I just get mad and stuff. I guess it finally hit me that my best friend was dumping me.

?Did she tell you that?? Mom was back to her concerned mother face.

?No.? I
?Shift!? She seemed angry. I gave in.

?FINE! Cad?s father told her to stay away from me. He said, if you?re with that Wilbur?s girl, get away from her. He said our family was destructive!? I began to cry. I never cry. I just get mad and stuff. I guess it finally hit me that my best friend was dumping me.

?Did she tell you that?? Mom was back to her concerned mother face.

?No.? I sniffled, ?I saw it in a text message. At the park the other day. Her dad told her not to hang around me anymore.?

?Oh, Shift I?m sorry.? My mother did not know what to say next. I could see it on her face. She is awkward like that. Good at lectures, but when the real trouble starts, not sure what to say. So she gave me a kiss and said I?d make new friends in New York. And then she left. I stayed in that spot, staring at the ceiling, until I eventually fell asleep.



Chapter 3

Well, the moving truck is packed. We are packed. We?re ready to move to 235, 12th street, New York, New York. I didn?t even s
?Shift!? She seemed angry. I gave in.

?FINE! Cad?s father told her to stay away from me. He said, if you?re with that Wilbur?s girl, get away from her. He said our family was destructive!? I began to cry. I never cry. I just get mad and stuff. I guess it finally hit me that my best friend was dumping me.

?Did she tell you that?? Mom was back to her concerned mother face.

?No.? I sniffled, ?I saw it in a text message. At the park the other day. Her dad told her not to hang around me anymore.?

?Oh, Shift I?m sorry.? My mother did not know what to say next. I could see it on her face. She is awkward like that. Good at lectures, but when the real trouble starts, not sure what to say. So she gave me a kiss and said I?d make new friends in New York. And then she left. I stayed in that spot, staring at the ceiling, until I eventually fell asleep.



Chapter 3

Well, the moving truck is packed. We are packed. We?re ready to move to 235, 12th street, New York, New York. I didn?t even s
so the end is like her dad wasn't just ichatting when the computers crashed.... shift finds out that her dads actually in deep trouble with the law.

eric_n_peng

I dont have time to read it bnut the chapters are VERy short.
which doesnt really matter i guess, but are you sure they explain everything they could?

EX-REPUBLICAN

From what I read I guess it's good, but for starters chapters can't be that short.

expressbuy123

I read chapter one. It's not bad. But maybe a little too much dialogue in the beginning?

Answer mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AsUyk0ZEA9PupHGw2VfFyVXsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid =20090813163900AA6JEQ5

CipSiz

I think the main idea is interesting and kind of quirky but your main character is way too much of a drama wueen for my tastes and your writing needs some polishing.


I?m going to critique this by chapter.

Chapter one.

The characters are just introduced but I?m already feeling like your main character is a whiny self centered brat. I rolled my eyes when she said her father was out to ruin her life he it?s fairly obvious he wasn?t. Her whining makes her unlikable right off the bat which isn?t a good thing.

Speaking things that aren?t good things, you tend to explain things that really don?t need explaining while neglecting to explain things that do. You explain what cad?s name means while not bothering to explain WLC stands for or what it does. All we know is that it?s a company with a school, which by the way can kick you out but not expel you. Expulsion is a disciplinary measure only used for extreme cases of bad behavior, not for parents getting fired. It would be better to say that your character was being forced to leave the school. Anywhoo, it?s clear that WLC is important but with out an explanation of what it is we are left to guess why.

Chapter 2.

Your chapter cut offs are weird and poorly timed. I would make this another part of chapter one rather than chapter two, and save the second chapter for when they finally do move to New York.

While character names based on computers are quirky some of them are way too blunt. I can understand Shift, Cad, Qwerty, and Alt, I think Delete is a bit too obvious.. Try Phi for Page up, home, insert or something like that. That way it?s still a computer reference without being over the top or unbelievable.

I find the town?s reaction to what happened to be way too over the top. While I?m sure people would be upset, to go so far as to call the family destructive is unbelievable. The father made a mistake, nothing more. I?m sure nobody takes their job so seriously that they forbid their child from spending time with a best friend just because they were fired. There could be some hostilities over it, but nothing so severe as the entire town ostracizing the family.

I noticed you have a lot of sentence fragments that need cleaning up.

I'll wait to critque your third chapter because it seems to have been cut off.